Love is Fear Read online

  She nervously twisted her hair into a knot. His eyes tracked her movements and she let go of her hair.

  “And you trust Jack. I assume we are here because there is a hitch in your romantic tryst?”

  “Are you trying to say there is a bump in the road? Things are great….” she paused, biting back the end of her sentence, we’ve been fucking like rabbits thanks for asking. That would be really bitchy. And it wasn’t true.

  “What does going to the Fey entail?”

  He studied her carefully as though to read her change in emotion. His hand lifted off the table, running one finger down her arm to the top of her hand. His jaw was taut, lips compressed.

  She turned her hand over and his fingers closed over hers. He lifted her hand to his mouth, kissing the back of it gently.

  Chastely.

  His lips were dry and warm, his hands cool and hard. She felt her heart give a gigantic leap as though it suddenly had to work a lot harder to circulate all the crazy lust-filled endorphins that he evoked when he touched her. Or looked at her. Or walked into a room. Dammit.

  He shook his head, “Seeing you again, knowing you are with someone else…. It is not what I expected. But sometimes, when I am idle and thinking I see you before me, an image that is so far away and so unattainable….” The sentence trailed off.

  Then he sighed, flashed her a small, almost shy, smile and said, “If I told you that you make me feel…as though I have been waiting fifteen hundred years to just sit here with you would you believe me? Could you take it at face value that at this moment I feel that sincerely?”

  She didn’t know. She squeezed his fingers and let him go.

  “I want to be safe and happy. I want to be a teacher and have kids. And…I don’t think I’m going to have that. But I know I won’t have that with you. Ever. You can’t love me. You’ve already said so. And anything you could feel for me, by drinking my blood, you won’t do that either.”

  She couldn’t look at him. What if he looked sad and repentant. She wouldn’t be able to resist him if he was genuinely upset. Then she remembered the last time she had seen him. How he’d flaunted himself in front of her, wanting her to make a move. Was this more manipulation?” I’m with Jack. Already. So, thanks. But I have to go. I’m sorry.”

  Don’t look at him. She squeezed her eyes tight, the only way to not give in. What if he’s sad? What if he is sincere? She opened her eyes because she had to know. Looked first at his hand on the table, then her gaze moved upwards, over his chest, past the buttons of his shirt, to his neck, his chin—she jerked awake.

  Chapter 6

  Consciousness is a bitch. I slept with Jack. And dreamed of Lucas the moment I fell asleep.

  Nice.

  Classy.

  Oh. God.

  If there is a hell, I’m totally gonna burn. Although Lucas would probably be there too. So, that’s a bonus.

  She heard the hotel room door open, then the clanking of a room service cart as it was wheeled inside the room. Val snuggled under the covers a little more. She could hear the lids being lifted, caught a whiff of bacon and coffee.

  Things are good. I’m not a slut.

  “If you bring me coffee I’ll be your best friend,” she mumbled.

  “Well then bestie— you’re in luck.”

  “Great.” Val sat up, watching Jack come towards her with a cup of coffee. This makes the top ten list of surreal things that have happened in my life. Jack was already in his swim shorts, wearing a dark t-shirt and flip-flops, and felt like she needed to blink again. “I sort of imagined you wearing jeans and shit-kickers on the beach.”

  He was back at the cart, a piece of bacon halfway to his mouth before turning to look at her, “What does that say about me?” he asked with a smile.

  “Maybe that you’ve got a stick so far up your ass you don’t know how to have a good time?” she said sweetly then took a sip. The coffee was strong and bitter.

  Just like I like my men.

  Jack put the piece of bacon down and walked towards her, smiling mischievously. “You better be careful with those stick comments.”

  Valerie squealed as he prowled up the bed towards her, “No way! No how! It’s never going to happen, no sticks will ever be up my—”

  His mouth descended, kissing her, cutting off her laugh. She set down the coffee cup blindly, sure she was putting it in the right place, but she didn’t. The cup fell to the ground with a smashing sound and Jack jerked away from her, both of them peering over the edge of the bed to see the shards of broken porcelain.

  “I should clean that up,” she said, flushing in embarrassment. Total accident. Nothing to do with dreaming of Lucas.

  He got off the bed and went to get a towel while Val picked up the pieces and tossed them in the trash.

  She took a towel from Jack’s outstretched hand. A few moments passed in silence as she carefully blotted up the liquid. Just an accident. I really wanted to keep kissing Jack and go back to bed for more sex. Really.

  “Are you going for a swim?” she asked steadily.

  There was a slight delay before he responded. “Yeah. I was thinking about it.”

  She nodded absently. “I need an hour or so anyway. I want to check on things for the funeral, see if anyone has emailed about coming over for it from abroad.”

  She heard him behind her, moving things around on the dresser. Probably looking for the room key.

  “I don’t know how many of the Hunters will come,” he said.

  “Why do you think that is?” she asked. It seemed odd to her. Someone you fight the good fight with dies, and yet they couldn’t be bothered to pay their respects?

  Jack sounded distracted. “What? Why don’t they go to a lot of funerals? Expense? Too busy killing monsters? Maybe they don’t want to think about it?”

  “Those are reasons, I suppose,” Val said slowly. There was nothing left to blot. Val stood and tossed the towel into the bathroom before coming back, staring at the palm frond pattern on the carpet.

  Jack sat down on the bed and sighed. “You have something you want to say?”

  She blinked. “No.” Yes, but no, because if I say something, the good times won’t roll.

  “Fine, I can start. You shouldn’t have a funeral, Valerie. You know that.” He sounded exhausted. They’d slept for nine hours. What, he’s emotionally exhausted by 9 am?

  “Excuse me? I’m supposed to bury him without a goodbye?”

  He fell back on the bed, hands over his eyes like he was trying to ignore her. “No. You said your goodbye at the hospital. He wouldn’t have wanted a funeral. He wouldn’t have wanted other people’s lives to be interrupted to come see his grave. He loved you. You don’t need to do this. It doesn’t prove anything.” The last bit was mumbled, his hands sliding down his face as he spoke.

  “Don’t say that,” Val said quietly.

  “Which part? That he loved you?”

  Val didn’t respond, felt the cream from the coffee curdling in her stomach. They should just go to the beach. Where was the pretend happiness she’d signed up for? It’s pretend, is it? She wondered if the conversation was over.

  “Everything he did was about keeping you safe.”

  Nope, this conversation is still happening. “No, it was about avenging my mother. It had nothing to do with me.”

  Jack blew out a breath loudly. “Look, he didn’t have the greatest paternal instincts.”

  She couldn’t help but laugh at the understatement. “Ya think? Jack we met when I shot Marion in the back as she tried to steal you away. I was nine. That is fucked up. Who needs a Barbie when you can have a Colt, right? He threw me to the vampires at sixteen. ‘Good luck. Hope you survive! Jack would!’” she said, mimicking her father.

  He laughed unhappily. “Don’t bring me into this.”

  “We can’t have this conversation without bringing you into it.”

  “Maybe we shouldn’t have it at all.”

  No, we shouldn’t
, Val thought as she stepped away from him. She went out to the balcony and looked at the ocean. There was a cute little girl in a sunhat, her mom sitting next to her, reading a book as the little girl dug with her shovel. Envy snaked through her, strangling her tight.

  That was normal life. Maybe the father was snorkeling or playing golf. Or on a walk with his son or daughter. At the end of the day they’d put the kids to bed, sit out on the balcony and have a glass of wine. Just another day in paradise.

  Val was sure that envying thirty-year olds who spent all their time tending to little people’s runny noses and filthy bottoms was a bit pathetic. Fabulous. Jack won’t give me that and Lucas can’t give me that. How much is eHarmony?

  She turned to go back into the room but Jack was standing behind her.

  “Oh,” Val gasped in surprise.

  “Alright, let’s do it. We have the argument once and then it’s over,” he said, sounding resigned.

  “Why the change of heart?” She squinted at him suspiciously.

  “Because this is a problem. You’re mad at me and I…” What would he say? I don’t want you to be mad at me? I want to work past it? Either of those things and she would let it go, but she knew that wasn’t it. There was a long list of moments where Jack could have done things for her, or for them, and he hadn’t.

  She waited, hoping that sex had somehow changed things.

  “I’m pissed at you, too. So let’s have it out. This relationship goes nowhere with this hanging over us.”

  Oh. No apologies, he was mad too. Big let down. Val chewed her lip. She hadn’t expected that. No, she had, she just hadn’t wanted it to be true. And that pissed her off even more.

  “Okay, then I’ll just sum it up for you so I can get down to the bar and get my Pina Colada,” she said. “I loved that man, I really did. I wish I hadn’t been a disappointment, that I had been tough enough to be who he wanted me to be. But I wasn’t and it pisses me off that he didn’t realize that. He didn’t adjust his expectations based upon the person that I was, I just became a failure. I’m smart and capable, there are good things to me, but to him I was a failure. He’s dead and I feel—“

  “No. Stop. It’s not a good idea. Let’s just go downstairs and sit by the pool.”

  “Yeah, cause that’s going to be the most romantic day ever! Sitting by the pool, having the rest of this argument in my head all day. Hell, no!”

  “You should honor your parents. He tried. He loved you,” Jack said, exasperated, turning away from her and stalking back to the dresser where he picked up the room key.

  “Stop fucking telling me how he felt! He didn’t tell me and that’s what we are talking about. What he actually did for me. He’s dead, and I feel sad, yes, but I’m also a little bit relieved. And that’s why you want me to shut up, because I’m relieved. I won’t miss him, I’ll miss the idea of him.” Her vision was blurry. Shit!

  “I knew that we would work it out, that somewhere down the line we would talk and have that moment where we realize how misunderstood we’ve been—blah, blah, blah—but that was bullshit and it didn’t fucking happen. It was never going to. And that’s why I’m sad, because the hope of fixing things is gone.”

  She took a deep breath. He was looking at the ground hard as he slapped the key against his thigh.

  “But you know what? It’s almost a relief too. Knowing that he is at rest, and maybe he’s with her. He was a dead man walk—”

  Jack exploded, “Then what am I? I’m the same fucking guy, right? So you want me because I’m like your father? The chance to get it right?”

  It was a punch in the gut.

  “Go to the beach,” she hissed, finality in her words. Do it or else, was what she didn’t have to say. Do it, or there is no chance this will ever work.

  And so he left.

  Val sat down on the bed, feeling panic race through her. This wasn’t going to work. This was stupid and would ruin their relationship forever. No. She could make it work. It was only an argument. She’d find him, they’d go on the snorkeling trip and everything would be fine.

  This was paradise.

  Chapter 7

  Water dripped onto the floor. Val looked down, surprised to see she was in her swimsuit and wet, like she’d just stepped out of the ocean and into someone’s expensive bedroom. Snorkeling has more fish. And water. Uh oh.

  She knew this room. Lucas’ bedroom. And there he was, sitting before the fire in a chair. A book was open and draped over his thigh, his hand hovering above it. Had he just put it down or was he going to pick it up? Except that he was oddly still.

  Lucas in freeze frame.

  She shivered and couldn’t help but look at him. She’d seen him less than a week ago, heck she’d dreamed about him last night, but— and it fucked with her head to even think it— she was hungry for the sight of him. She didn/font just look at him, that was too tame, too ordinary. She devoured him with her gaze. A look wouldn’t be enough. She’d have to touch him.

  He was beautiful, like looking at a favorite piece of artwork. Not something one can own, but something in a faraway museum, where she would have to go half way around the world, push through crowds of people, just to catch a glimpse of his unreal splendor.

  And Lucas was still perfect. Still inhuman. Still a monster who could promise her nothing but pleasure and a life in danger. He was dressed in ‘old’ clothes again. Breeches that looked like suede, hose so white it was like snow in the sunlight. He turned and looked at her, eyes momentarily widening in what she thought was surprise.

  Her whole body trembled and she began to cough.

  “Valerie?” he said quietly and with a fair amount of disbelief. He was suddenly before her, holding his robe out towards her, then wrapping it around her and leading her towards the bed. She couldn’t stop coughing, felt her face turning red, and became embarrassed. He was already out of her league, even without the Tuberculosis cough.

  “I think I’m going to be sick,” she managed to choke out.

  His hands were firm on her arms as he set her down on his bed.

  “Wait. What if I yack all over your bed?”

  “That is not a concern. But hold and I shall get you a basin.”

  Basin? She hunched forward, retching hard, throat burning and then he was back, a bowl thrust under her nose. He was just in time. Val threw up, huge amounts of sea water pouring out of her mouth. Lucas leaned over her, one hand on her back, patting her gently, the other holding the bowl in place.

  So humiliating.

  He took the bowl away, disappearing into the bathroom and bringing her a towel and a cup of water. Her voice was scratchy and she blinked owlishly before saying, “You’re a very good nurse. Color me surprised. And embarrassed. Really embarrassed.”

  He knelt down before her, looking up into her face, and his expression floored her. Was that how she looked when she saw him? Wonder, fear and more, chased across his face, faster than a flash of lightning. He gazed at her like she was a precious antique that had been lost.

  She cleared her throat.

  His hand reached up, brushing wet strands of hair from her face. His lashes were thick. A dark golden color, but so dense she was surprised they didn't get tangled together. She smiled and worried that it was wobbly. A tremble raced through her.

  “What am I doing here?”

  His expression changed, shutting down, but an intensity was still there, visible in the press of his lips, the tightening of his grip on hers. “What do you remember?”

  Lucas stayed crouched before her, as she willed the answer to come to her. “I was with Jack.”

  His hand withdrew from hers and he leaned back, shifting away from her like hearing Jack’s name had made him flinch. He reached up absently, going to move his hair over his shoulder, but it was gone. He’d chopped it off before the Challenge. His hand dropped down to his knee instead. Maybe he’d had long hair for centuries.

  “You should not be here. You need to focus on where
you were and go back. Do you understand me? Think about where you were, exactly.”

  She strained to think about what she’d been doing. It was like she’d woken up from a dream and each moment that passed pushed the dream further away, made it less real. “We were snorkeling.” She looked around his room, like it would give her clues. “I think, I think there was a cave. And I dived down to see it, but there were a lot of rocks.” She shook her head, not remembering the rest. God, his bathrobe smelled good.

  Val looked at the fire. The orange flames stalled, then flickered, finally vanishing altogether, plunging the room in darkness. The only light came from Lucas, as though he was surrounded by a hundred candles. The walls of his bedroom shrank away, consumed by the dark.

  “What is that?” she whispered. Blackness, like living shadows were creeping closer towards them, the light surrounding Lucas dimming.

  “Valerie! Hear me. You must go back. Close your eyes and remember where you were. Think of Jack. Go to him, now!” he said, anger and desperation in every word.

  Val was stunned, wanting to ask him what was going on. Cold water rushed over her feet, the whole floor suddenly awash in black seawater. Huge ropes of seaweed swayed through the rising tide like they were alive and hungry. She could hear the loud rush of water, see the room filling, feel the water’s cold sharpness sweep over her legs and rise higher.

  She jumped up from the bed and Lucas stood too, mirroring her movements, watching only her, as though oblivious to the huge flood that was consuming his bedroom.

  “What will happen to you?” Val asked frantically.

  “You cannot stay here or you will perish. This is not reality. Go to Jack. Please. Go!”

  She reached out to him— for protection, for comfort, to save him too? But he stepped back, evading her grasp. Water crashed over her head, seaweed coiled up her legs, pulling her down deep into the water.

  Val opened her eyes under the water. Everything was dark, only the barest flicker of light surrounded Lucas as he floated in the water, eyes closed. A corpse in suspended animation. The water carried him away from her like invisible pallbearers, his clothes waving gently, fingers and arms loose as he drifted away.